BREC'S E-MAILS FROM CHINA
From: brec heffner [dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Sunday, January 30, 2005 10:24 PMTo: nina@sierraboat.comCc: kswinther@msn.comSubject: HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
HI,
Sorry I haven't wrote in a while. Wish I could have made it home for Dad's party. It sounds like it was exactly how he wanted it. Did they really laugh at my story? I figured it would be like one of those "well,you kind of had to be there" stories. I just came back from Suzhou,where I was making a movie.I was a British soldier from the early 1800s and so far I have been killed 3 times. We had to stop filming because a bomb exploded too close,severely injuring 1 of the lead actors. I will go back on the 20th. Also,I got my first speaking part as a French general shouting the immortal words,"RIGHT,20 DEGREES!" Wish you can see me in the uniform. Unfortunately,the movie won't be released until next year. I am getting alot of film work now,so maybe I won't teach English next semester. Which is good,since my company(TEFL) is about as organized as a monkeyshit fight. Nina: Please hang on to the DVD until I have a reliable address. Heidi: Were you able to get a hold of Mike Inez? By the way,there is a Great Wall Marathon in May. Why not come? Well,I will stop here because my hands are fucking freezing as there is no heater in this internet bar. Hope to see you all soon.
BREC
Such a nice letter from Tom. I don't have the heart to tell him Dad thought he was such a putz.
AUGUST 2004
HI,
Thanks for keeping me updated on Dad's condition. Sorry I haven't wrote sooner,but anyone that knows me knows I'm not good at sending letters.Don't take it personal. I am basically happy here,but I don't want to stay forever. It is actually really fucking boring. Chinese people don't like to do much except eat and sit around and play mah jong. I have few friends since most of the men are pretty creepy and the foreigners I meet are even creepier. (FUCKIN EUROTRASH!) For amusement I like to go to nightclubs and watch these losers order Co-lo-nas (yes,we have Corona beer) and try to hit on girls.It's so pathetic. I always find some way to humiliate them and make them hate Americans even more. I feel it is my patriotic duty. Of course,the Americans I meet are even worse.(ALL POINDEXTER TYPES) On the bright side, the food here is really excellent. And I do enjoy my job. And good or bad,it is interesting here. I think it is wonderful you are considering adopting a Chinese baby. When you are ready I can help,I know some people that deal with these matters. Twice,while walking in the street, people have tried to sell me a child. It's heartbreaking. If Dad survives,I would be willing to go home and take care of him. But,I'm not sure how He or the other family members would feel about it. It doesn't matter,I'm just offering. Please continue updating me on his condition. My telephone number is: 011-86-13185716547 Keep in touch!
Love,BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Sunday, February 01, 2004 10:31 PMTo: nina@sierraboat.comSubject: hey!
WHAT"S UP?
Congratulations on your decision to finally learn to surf. I think surfing is the best thing in the world. The best day of my life was Father's Day of 1990. A freak swell at Rincon and only 2 other guys out. Just one of those perfect days when you say to yourself "Gee,I wonder what all the millionaires are doing today? Probably playing fucking golf! I'm sure they're not having as much fun as me." I can still remember the feelings too,of riding the waves. Now,I can't remember my last orgasm(although I'm sure I liked it) but I can remember surfing 14 years ago. OK,now I'm not saying surfing is better than sex,but it can be more memorable. I would have to say surfing is the thing I miss most about living in China. There is none here.
Now is the end of Chinese New Year. It has been 2 weeks of mayhem.At night is alot of fireworks.I mean tons. It's like Bombs Over Baghdad. If you can imagine July 4th at Ledbetter Beach. Now imagine fireworks like that going off all over the city at all times for 2 hours nonstop for 2 weeks straight.Enough!
Last week was my television debut of a commercial for the YMCA. As the most pumped up member(also the oldest and best looking haha!) you can now see me regularly on Hangzhou TV doing bench presses. Actually,I made a music video last year but the song really sucked and also me standing in the middle of a bunch of 15 year old girls seemed a little sleazy.
Today I watched the Super Bowl on Chinese TV. If you ever come to visit me please bring Raiders jerseys and footballs.(I will reimburse you) Although footballs are made here,they are impossible to buy.
I would love to go to a real rock show with you.The music here sucks! All these fuckin Chinese wannabe rappers."HEY DIPSHIT! YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOOL CAP AND BAGGY PANTS MAKE YOU A GANGSTA? Curiously,Richard Marx is huge here,although I am at a loss to explain it. Actually,there are a few interesting pop singers here.But, rock,especially metal,is not popular at all. So,there aren't many good concerts.Right now,I like Evanesance,the new Limp Bizkit CD is really good.So is the new Sevendust. Check'em out. I feel the same as you about the music. I suppose we will forever remain maturity challenged adults.Must be some psychology in there somewhere.By the way,Audioslave SUCKS!
Gotta go.
Love,Brec
mistresskimh@netscape.net
----- Original Message -----
From: brec heffner
To: ninasboat@onemain.com
Cc: kswinther@msn.com
Sent: Thursday, December 25, 2003 4:05 AM
Hello,
How is everybody? Thank you for the e-mails. Nina, the picture of Only in China is so true. I went swimming once during the summer and it was exactly like the picture. However,most Chinese can't swim,so if you go to a regular lap pool where they can't touch the bottom,you will find it empty. I now take the train 3 days per week to go to a small city near Hangzhou,where I'm teaching at an English training school. Last night they had a Christmas party.(It's becoming quite popular here.) I made my place in history by becoming the first Santa Claus with tattoos on his neck. I'm not joking,I had to wear the Santa suit. Anyway,my job is easy.The students study the lesson on computer,then they will take an exam. What is the reward if they pass the exam? Well,you may well ask,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WHAT IS THE REWARD? Ok,I'll tell you. The reward is:::::::::::THEY GET TO SPEAK TO ME! WOW!!!! For an entire hour! WOW!!!!!!!! Mostly female students. Some very lovely girls. Sometimes, being me,it doesn't suck. Anyway,I don't really know my address,but if you want to come visit me I can show you where my house is. If I can find a reliable mailing address I will inform you. But, you should come visit. If you think China is like the days of the Cultural Revolution you are sadly mistaken. It's a Sodom and Gomorrah here! Check it out for yourself. My new telephone number is: 011-86-13185716547 My other number is: 13175028330
MERRY CHRISTMAS! Love,Brec
OCTOBER, 2003
HI,Sorry to hear about Dad. I hope he will be ok.He's a tough motherfucker butI wonder how much longer he can keep cheating death. I am trying to be ableto go home for a couple of weeks after the new year. I hope he can hold outuntil then because there is no way he would ever come to China,even in thebest of health. I just got a new apartment.It is brand new and the rent is awhopping 300 yuan per month.(about $25 dollars) Chris Rock once said "Youknow,the upside of crack is if you are in the right place at the righttime,you can furnish you whole house for 8 dollars! Well, I just got a newbed,clothes closet,TV stand, bookshelf and night table for about $20! Brandnew! No drugs involved! Which leads to my next question. Why won't anybodycome visit me? It's so inexpensive here and airfares are at an all time low.C'mon! Admit it! Aren't you just dying to see me teach my college Englishclass? Today is Halloween and I will attend a party at the Shamrock Pub, alocal nightspot popular with the foreigners. Me and my girlfriend will dressas Mr. and Mrs. Rambo. My girlfriend,Sunny,is a lovely girl and very funny.Also,she hasn't tried to stab me or pour boiling hot water on my head likemy ex-wife,so I'm pretty psyched about that. Do you have my cellphonenumber? It is 011-86-13175028330. Please keep me informed about the old man.I will try to call him today. Tell Scott to stay out of harm's way. Love,BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Monday, June 09, 2003 12:21 AMTo: Nina Baumgardner; KRISTEN WINTHERSubject: I GOTTA WHOLE LOTTA MO
HI,
I am fine. But I was very sick last week. Not SARS but some flu that really kicked my ass. I was afraid to go to the hospital though because my fever was so high and everyone is so paranoid I thought they would quarantine me for 2 weeks. Besides, a Chinese hospital is actually a place to go if you are sick and wish to become even more ill. One of the benefits of the SARS is people are starting to realize the importance of keeping things clean and sanitary and also to stop spitting everywhere. You will even be fined now for spitting. I have been a construction worker most of my life and I have seen some pretty nasty stuff but nothing like I have seen on some of the sidewalks here. The traffic here is terrible. There aren't that many cars,they just drive like shit. To cross the street in China can be a frightening experience. No one obeys any of the traffic lights. If I must cross the street,I will usually wait for 7 or 8 people to be my "human shields". The horn is the most important function of the cars here.(even more important than the steering wheel or the brake) Since I haved lived here,I have noticed a certain etiquette for the use of the horn. You must only honk your horn if:
A. Something is blocking the road.
B. Something might be blocking the road.
C. Nothing is blocking the road.
D. At all other times.
So, as you can guess China is a very noisy place, but I am used to it.(I would have slept through the bombing of Baghdad) Chinese are also very fond of fireworks and almost every night is like the Fourth of July. They like to set them off almost any hour of the day. Between 3 AM. and 4 AM. seems to be the favorite time for the hooligans in my neighborhood. I remember the first night in my new apartment some guys lit off what sounded like nuclear bombs right outside my window also causing every car alarm for blocks to go off.I ran outside in an outfit clearly not designed for a man wanting to kick some ass. Underwear,fluffy slippers and a mop handle. I yelled at them "DON'T FUCK WITH ME!" But they really couldn't understand why I was so mad. I have since learned that there is a protocol for lighting off fireworks similar to using your car horn.
You may only light fireworks if:
A. There is some celebration such as a wedding,birthday or Bar Mitzvah,etc.
B. Someone might have a wedding or birthday in the coming months.
C. Just for the hell of it.
You guys should come visit me. It would be a wonderful experience for you. Hangzhou is a resort city and there are many scenic and historical sites. Plus, we can go around and take pictures of all the Stupid English. For example, there are many "NO SMODING" signs. Now, you would think before the government invest all this money for the anti-smoking campaign they would check the fucking spelling. Go figure. You can have your hair done at THE HAIRCUT SHOPPING near my home. It will cost you 25 cents. I can buy you a T-shirt that says "North Shore Hawaii" on the front and "LONGBORRD INSTRUCTOR" on the back. I can show you hundreds of examples of bonehead English.
You will laugh your ass off. The food here is actually quite good. Although we have Mcdonald's, Hard Rock Cafe, Pizza Hut,Tony Roma's,Kentucky Fried Chicken,ETC., I rarely go there. I have eaten some bizarre things like snakes and turtles.(tastes like chicken,duh!) But,I have not nor ever will eat dog. Don't believe all the stories you hear. Not many people eat dogs here. First of all,it is illegal and secondly, it is very expensive.However,I did see a beheaded dog and sliced in half for sale by a street vendor near my home. Bon Apetit! Well,all this talk about food is making me hungry so I will stop here and go get some lunch. You know,I just thought of something. Sometimes,when my girlfriend sleeps over,there are actual fireworks. Interesting.
Hope to see you soon,
BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Sunday, May 25, 2003 10:06 PMTo: Nina BaumgardnerCc: Nina BaumgardnerSubject: Hello from Hangzhou
Hi,
I got your e-mail. I am fine. As you know,I am an English teacher at Zhejiang University here in Hangzhou.(I suppose that makes me a Professor) Admittedly, I am probably the worst teacher in all of China. But, the students seem to like me.(They think I'm "really cool") The classes are always fun and lively. My "system" is this. We will watch an episode of "FRIENDS" on DVD. Then we will discuss it. So simple. Yet so brilliant! The students love it. The other teachers are these fucking boring academic types. Their classes go something like this:
Teacher: Where is the dog?
Class: The dog is under the bed.(zzzzzzzz)
They hate me with every fiber of their being. Once in a while I will have some small problem.
Poindexter: Why do you follow the conjunction with the adverb adjective with the pronoun suffix?
Me: HUH?
The students like me to give them English names,so you might be happy to know I have students named Nina,Heidi,Kris and Bette.( No Kims. No disrespect to her,it just sounds too Chinese) I am less kind to the boys. There is a Rick,T.C.,Magnum,Icepick and Higgins. Also, Luther and Willis, even a Dracula.(He likes it) Any way, I had never intended to stay in China. Now I cannot imagine wanting to be anywhere else.(Do you want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.) I am in the best shape of my life. I turned 47 in February. On my birthday I bench-pressed 250 pounds. My previous best was 245 when I was 42. Now I'm up to 265. So, I'm getting older but I think I'm getting better. To quote another scholar,the distinguished Tom Heffner. "I think I look pretty darn good for my age!" I have a nice apartment. I live in an area of Hangzhou called Xinyi Fang.(pronounced;xinyi fang) It is kind of a working class neighborhood and I am the only foreigner. I get stared at alot.But most of the people are very polite.(They fear me,I think) I have the semi-Mohawk thing again only freakier,plus my tattoo on my neck that means Lone Wolf,plus I'm really pumped up. Babies have started crying at my appearance. Last summer,I was standing on a bridge and a girl walked by and couldn't stop staring at my neck and walked straight over a flight of stairs. She went down about 15 steps. I cannot describe the horror but I will try.Remember the ski-jumper at the beginning of ABC'S Wide World of Sports? The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat? Well,she was the Agony of Defeat Girl. As I ran to her aid,I thought "Way to go Brec. Your tattoo killed that poor girl!" Luckily,she was pretty tough.No broken bones. It wasn't funny but hilairious at the same time.You know what I mean. Anyway,I have to stop writing now,but I'll write again soon. Why don't you consider coming to visit. It would be a blast. You can bring Joni. Good luck with your triathalon.
LOVE,BREC
P.S. Another famous quote;
What in the name of rubber cement are you watching?
Joan Heffner,March 2002
We were watching an episode of Ren and Stimpy where furballs suddenly became more valuable than gold.Stimpy,unable to cough up more furballs was forced by Ren to lick the hair off a big fat sweaty coal miner's back. Joan,in a moment of clarity, suddenly blurted out those immortal words.
END
HI,
Sorry I haven't wrote in a while. Wish I could have made it home for Dad's party. It sounds like it was exactly how he wanted it. Did they really laugh at my story? I figured it would be like one of those "well,you kind of had to be there" stories. I just came back from Suzhou,where I was making a movie.I was a British soldier from the early 1800s and so far I have been killed 3 times. We had to stop filming because a bomb exploded too close,severely injuring 1 of the lead actors. I will go back on the 20th. Also,I got my first speaking part as a French general shouting the immortal words,"RIGHT,20 DEGREES!" Wish you can see me in the uniform. Unfortunately,the movie won't be released until next year. I am getting alot of film work now,so maybe I won't teach English next semester. Which is good,since my company(TEFL) is about as organized as a monkeyshit fight. Nina: Please hang on to the DVD until I have a reliable address. Heidi: Were you able to get a hold of Mike Inez? By the way,there is a Great Wall Marathon in May. Why not come? Well,I will stop here because my hands are fucking freezing as there is no heater in this internet bar. Hope to see you all soon.
BREC
Such a nice letter from Tom. I don't have the heart to tell him Dad thought he was such a putz.
AUGUST 2004
HI,
Thanks for keeping me updated on Dad's condition. Sorry I haven't wrote sooner,but anyone that knows me knows I'm not good at sending letters.Don't take it personal. I am basically happy here,but I don't want to stay forever. It is actually really fucking boring. Chinese people don't like to do much except eat and sit around and play mah jong. I have few friends since most of the men are pretty creepy and the foreigners I meet are even creepier. (FUCKIN EUROTRASH!) For amusement I like to go to nightclubs and watch these losers order Co-lo-nas (yes,we have Corona beer) and try to hit on girls.It's so pathetic. I always find some way to humiliate them and make them hate Americans even more. I feel it is my patriotic duty. Of course,the Americans I meet are even worse.(ALL POINDEXTER TYPES) On the bright side, the food here is really excellent. And I do enjoy my job. And good or bad,it is interesting here. I think it is wonderful you are considering adopting a Chinese baby. When you are ready I can help,I know some people that deal with these matters. Twice,while walking in the street, people have tried to sell me a child. It's heartbreaking. If Dad survives,I would be willing to go home and take care of him. But,I'm not sure how He or the other family members would feel about it. It doesn't matter,I'm just offering. Please continue updating me on his condition. My telephone number is: 011-86-13185716547 Keep in touch!
Love,BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Sunday, February 01, 2004 10:31 PMTo: nina@sierraboat.comSubject: hey!
WHAT"S UP?
Congratulations on your decision to finally learn to surf. I think surfing is the best thing in the world. The best day of my life was Father's Day of 1990. A freak swell at Rincon and only 2 other guys out. Just one of those perfect days when you say to yourself "Gee,I wonder what all the millionaires are doing today? Probably playing fucking golf! I'm sure they're not having as much fun as me." I can still remember the feelings too,of riding the waves. Now,I can't remember my last orgasm(although I'm sure I liked it) but I can remember surfing 14 years ago. OK,now I'm not saying surfing is better than sex,but it can be more memorable. I would have to say surfing is the thing I miss most about living in China. There is none here.
Now is the end of Chinese New Year. It has been 2 weeks of mayhem.At night is alot of fireworks.I mean tons. It's like Bombs Over Baghdad. If you can imagine July 4th at Ledbetter Beach. Now imagine fireworks like that going off all over the city at all times for 2 hours nonstop for 2 weeks straight.Enough!
Last week was my television debut of a commercial for the YMCA. As the most pumped up member(also the oldest and best looking haha!) you can now see me regularly on Hangzhou TV doing bench presses. Actually,I made a music video last year but the song really sucked and also me standing in the middle of a bunch of 15 year old girls seemed a little sleazy.
Today I watched the Super Bowl on Chinese TV. If you ever come to visit me please bring Raiders jerseys and footballs.(I will reimburse you) Although footballs are made here,they are impossible to buy.
I would love to go to a real rock show with you.The music here sucks! All these fuckin Chinese wannabe rappers."HEY DIPSHIT! YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOOL CAP AND BAGGY PANTS MAKE YOU A GANGSTA? Curiously,Richard Marx is huge here,although I am at a loss to explain it. Actually,there are a few interesting pop singers here.But, rock,especially metal,is not popular at all. So,there aren't many good concerts.Right now,I like Evanesance,the new Limp Bizkit CD is really good.So is the new Sevendust. Check'em out. I feel the same as you about the music. I suppose we will forever remain maturity challenged adults.Must be some psychology in there somewhere.By the way,Audioslave SUCKS!
Gotta go.
Love,Brec
mistresskimh@netscape.net
----- Original Message -----
From: brec heffner
To: ninasboat@onemain.com
Cc: kswinther@msn.com
Sent: Thursday, December 25, 2003 4:05 AM
Hello,
How is everybody? Thank you for the e-mails. Nina, the picture of Only in China is so true. I went swimming once during the summer and it was exactly like the picture. However,most Chinese can't swim,so if you go to a regular lap pool where they can't touch the bottom,you will find it empty. I now take the train 3 days per week to go to a small city near Hangzhou,where I'm teaching at an English training school. Last night they had a Christmas party.(It's becoming quite popular here.) I made my place in history by becoming the first Santa Claus with tattoos on his neck. I'm not joking,I had to wear the Santa suit. Anyway,my job is easy.The students study the lesson on computer,then they will take an exam. What is the reward if they pass the exam? Well,you may well ask,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WHAT IS THE REWARD? Ok,I'll tell you. The reward is:::::::::::THEY GET TO SPEAK TO ME! WOW!!!! For an entire hour! WOW!!!!!!!! Mostly female students. Some very lovely girls. Sometimes, being me,it doesn't suck. Anyway,I don't really know my address,but if you want to come visit me I can show you where my house is. If I can find a reliable mailing address I will inform you. But, you should come visit. If you think China is like the days of the Cultural Revolution you are sadly mistaken. It's a Sodom and Gomorrah here! Check it out for yourself. My new telephone number is: 011-86-13185716547 My other number is: 13175028330
MERRY CHRISTMAS! Love,Brec
OCTOBER, 2003
HI,Sorry to hear about Dad. I hope he will be ok.He's a tough motherfucker butI wonder how much longer he can keep cheating death. I am trying to be ableto go home for a couple of weeks after the new year. I hope he can hold outuntil then because there is no way he would ever come to China,even in thebest of health. I just got a new apartment.It is brand new and the rent is awhopping 300 yuan per month.(about $25 dollars) Chris Rock once said "Youknow,the upside of crack is if you are in the right place at the righttime,you can furnish you whole house for 8 dollars! Well, I just got a newbed,clothes closet,TV stand, bookshelf and night table for about $20! Brandnew! No drugs involved! Which leads to my next question. Why won't anybodycome visit me? It's so inexpensive here and airfares are at an all time low.C'mon! Admit it! Aren't you just dying to see me teach my college Englishclass? Today is Halloween and I will attend a party at the Shamrock Pub, alocal nightspot popular with the foreigners. Me and my girlfriend will dressas Mr. and Mrs. Rambo. My girlfriend,Sunny,is a lovely girl and very funny.Also,she hasn't tried to stab me or pour boiling hot water on my head likemy ex-wife,so I'm pretty psyched about that. Do you have my cellphonenumber? It is 011-86-13175028330. Please keep me informed about the old man.I will try to call him today. Tell Scott to stay out of harm's way. Love,BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Monday, June 09, 2003 12:21 AMTo: Nina Baumgardner; KRISTEN WINTHERSubject: I GOTTA WHOLE LOTTA MO
HI,
I am fine. But I was very sick last week. Not SARS but some flu that really kicked my ass. I was afraid to go to the hospital though because my fever was so high and everyone is so paranoid I thought they would quarantine me for 2 weeks. Besides, a Chinese hospital is actually a place to go if you are sick and wish to become even more ill. One of the benefits of the SARS is people are starting to realize the importance of keeping things clean and sanitary and also to stop spitting everywhere. You will even be fined now for spitting. I have been a construction worker most of my life and I have seen some pretty nasty stuff but nothing like I have seen on some of the sidewalks here. The traffic here is terrible. There aren't that many cars,they just drive like shit. To cross the street in China can be a frightening experience. No one obeys any of the traffic lights. If I must cross the street,I will usually wait for 7 or 8 people to be my "human shields". The horn is the most important function of the cars here.(even more important than the steering wheel or the brake) Since I haved lived here,I have noticed a certain etiquette for the use of the horn. You must only honk your horn if:
A. Something is blocking the road.
B. Something might be blocking the road.
C. Nothing is blocking the road.
D. At all other times.
So, as you can guess China is a very noisy place, but I am used to it.(I would have slept through the bombing of Baghdad) Chinese are also very fond of fireworks and almost every night is like the Fourth of July. They like to set them off almost any hour of the day. Between 3 AM. and 4 AM. seems to be the favorite time for the hooligans in my neighborhood. I remember the first night in my new apartment some guys lit off what sounded like nuclear bombs right outside my window also causing every car alarm for blocks to go off.I ran outside in an outfit clearly not designed for a man wanting to kick some ass. Underwear,fluffy slippers and a mop handle. I yelled at them "DON'T FUCK WITH ME!" But they really couldn't understand why I was so mad. I have since learned that there is a protocol for lighting off fireworks similar to using your car horn.
You may only light fireworks if:
A. There is some celebration such as a wedding,birthday or Bar Mitzvah,etc.
B. Someone might have a wedding or birthday in the coming months.
C. Just for the hell of it.
You guys should come visit me. It would be a wonderful experience for you. Hangzhou is a resort city and there are many scenic and historical sites. Plus, we can go around and take pictures of all the Stupid English. For example, there are many "NO SMODING" signs. Now, you would think before the government invest all this money for the anti-smoking campaign they would check the fucking spelling. Go figure. You can have your hair done at THE HAIRCUT SHOPPING near my home. It will cost you 25 cents. I can buy you a T-shirt that says "North Shore Hawaii" on the front and "LONGBORRD INSTRUCTOR" on the back. I can show you hundreds of examples of bonehead English.
You will laugh your ass off. The food here is actually quite good. Although we have Mcdonald's, Hard Rock Cafe, Pizza Hut,Tony Roma's,Kentucky Fried Chicken,ETC., I rarely go there. I have eaten some bizarre things like snakes and turtles.(tastes like chicken,duh!) But,I have not nor ever will eat dog. Don't believe all the stories you hear. Not many people eat dogs here. First of all,it is illegal and secondly, it is very expensive.However,I did see a beheaded dog and sliced in half for sale by a street vendor near my home. Bon Apetit! Well,all this talk about food is making me hungry so I will stop here and go get some lunch. You know,I just thought of something. Sometimes,when my girlfriend sleeps over,there are actual fireworks. Interesting.
Hope to see you soon,
BREC
-----Original Message-----From: brec heffner [mailto:dulang221@yahoo.com]Sent: Sunday, May 25, 2003 10:06 PMTo: Nina BaumgardnerCc: Nina BaumgardnerSubject: Hello from Hangzhou
Hi,
I got your e-mail. I am fine. As you know,I am an English teacher at Zhejiang University here in Hangzhou.(I suppose that makes me a Professor) Admittedly, I am probably the worst teacher in all of China. But, the students seem to like me.(They think I'm "really cool") The classes are always fun and lively. My "system" is this. We will watch an episode of "FRIENDS" on DVD. Then we will discuss it. So simple. Yet so brilliant! The students love it. The other teachers are these fucking boring academic types. Their classes go something like this:
Teacher: Where is the dog?
Class: The dog is under the bed.(zzzzzzzz)
They hate me with every fiber of their being. Once in a while I will have some small problem.
Poindexter: Why do you follow the conjunction with the adverb adjective with the pronoun suffix?
Me: HUH?
The students like me to give them English names,so you might be happy to know I have students named Nina,Heidi,Kris and Bette.( No Kims. No disrespect to her,it just sounds too Chinese) I am less kind to the boys. There is a Rick,T.C.,Magnum,Icepick and Higgins. Also, Luther and Willis, even a Dracula.(He likes it) Any way, I had never intended to stay in China. Now I cannot imagine wanting to be anywhere else.(Do you want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.) I am in the best shape of my life. I turned 47 in February. On my birthday I bench-pressed 250 pounds. My previous best was 245 when I was 42. Now I'm up to 265. So, I'm getting older but I think I'm getting better. To quote another scholar,the distinguished Tom Heffner. "I think I look pretty darn good for my age!" I have a nice apartment. I live in an area of Hangzhou called Xinyi Fang.(pronounced;xinyi fang) It is kind of a working class neighborhood and I am the only foreigner. I get stared at alot.But most of the people are very polite.(They fear me,I think) I have the semi-Mohawk thing again only freakier,plus my tattoo on my neck that means Lone Wolf,plus I'm really pumped up. Babies have started crying at my appearance. Last summer,I was standing on a bridge and a girl walked by and couldn't stop staring at my neck and walked straight over a flight of stairs. She went down about 15 steps. I cannot describe the horror but I will try.Remember the ski-jumper at the beginning of ABC'S Wide World of Sports? The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat? Well,she was the Agony of Defeat Girl. As I ran to her aid,I thought "Way to go Brec. Your tattoo killed that poor girl!" Luckily,she was pretty tough.No broken bones. It wasn't funny but hilairious at the same time.You know what I mean. Anyway,I have to stop writing now,but I'll write again soon. Why don't you consider coming to visit. It would be a blast. You can bring Joni. Good luck with your triathalon.
LOVE,BREC
P.S. Another famous quote;
What in the name of rubber cement are you watching?
Joan Heffner,March 2002
We were watching an episode of Ren and Stimpy where furballs suddenly became more valuable than gold.Stimpy,unable to cough up more furballs was forced by Ren to lick the hair off a big fat sweaty coal miner's back. Joan,in a moment of clarity, suddenly blurted out those immortal words.
END
posted by KAT at 12:42 PM
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